Social Skills and Relationship Skills

Our world is mesmerized by appearance: the handsome movie star, the glamorous actress, the one-liner politician, and all of the trendy and beautiful people – they look out at us from every magazine and from every screen. When we meet them occasionally in real life we are tempted to accept them at face value.

In business, social skills seem to mark the highly successful person. We envy someone who can walk into a room, figure out who is important, and is able to make just the right comments instinctively. They can tell stories and jokes with aplomb, they go to the right restaurants and resorts, and they are usually in the know about most popular topics.

But in my long business experience, social skills are often not enough to go the full distance. Obviously, social skills are a real asset in sales and in management. They can facilitate effective presentations for technical experts. But entertainment skills without real substance in building long term relationships don’t work for very long.

Those with the best social skills often burn out early. They often go from one position to another and change employers frequently. They may promise too much and deliver too little. They don’t always wear well. People with social skills alone lose their credibility over time.

The missing ingredient for successfully working with people in the long term is relationship skills: the ability to build and maintain important relationships for many years with the people who matter most, whether inside or outside of an organization. I have worked with highly successful people who were deficient in their social skills, but nonetheless had remarkable relationship skills.

Obviously, having strong technical, financial or other specialized business skills also makes a big difference in building business relationships. But apart from knowledge and expertise, there are other ingredients to building effective relationships:

• Commitment to building relationships People are the most important ingredient in any business, so they must always have first priority. People are more important even than projects or profits, since there are no major accomplishments possible without developing effective relationships. Commitment means spending time with people and regularly calling or visiting key people that you don’t see in the normal course.
  
  
• Integrity In the long run, if you are not trustworthy, your relationships will fail. And if you waste your time developing relationships with others who lack any integrity, you will be disappointed!
  
  
• A long term focus Relationships take lots of time to develop. A powerful presentation without much follow up will never suffice to gain a really important relationship. Tending relationships is like growing plants – they require constant care and attention to flourish. (However, too much attention is invasive and will be unwelcome.)
  
  
• Selectivity You need to choose carefully with whom to invest yourself in relationships, since they require much continuing effort. Obviously, you can have numerous light relationships with a low level of activity and commitment, but key relationships need more focused involvement.
  
  
• Empathic listening Listening attentively to others is the key to understanding them and to ultimately delivering to them what they seek. We all gravitate to those who are sympathetic and understanding of our own needs.
  
  
• Reciprocity Relationships ultimately need to be based on mutual satisfaction, although at times, one party may be delivering much more than the other. If you invest in a relationship, you can eventually make legitimate requests from that person.
  
  
• Focus on others more than self Those with social skills alone usually fail: they are so impressed with themselves that they are not truly impressed with other people; before long this becomes all too apparent.
  
  
• Loyalty People can not be fooled about whether you are loyal and reliable, or just opportunistic and fickle. Maximising short term profits in a business relationship often prevents you from developing a more valuable longer term relationship.
  
  
• Offering value We offer value on both a personal and on a business level. Few customers or associates are fooled about those who manipulate and exploit, rather than delivering solid value.
  
  
• Sincerity and candor Social skills often depend on adopting a persona or image that is not authentic. Real relationships require honesty, vulnerability and self-disclosure.
  
  

Relationship skills obviously apply to other dimensions of our lives beyond business. Strong relationships help develop family and community. The best business environments are those which seem like family or community, where all can share in the success of the enterprise.

A leader with high relationship skills creates powerful morale which ensures the success of their enterprise. A glamorous personality is far less important for long term success. Social skills are only valuable in business when they are employed as a tool for developing lasting relationships.